Remote SEO Apprentice to Eccentric Millionaire @ Fun Ecom Co | Great People & Flexible Hours-USA-Job-ID-1066

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 Does automating your way to profit thrill you?
– Is learning new things like crack to you?
– Do you thrive in a high-stress environment filled with political infighting, bureaucracy, and corporate nonsense?
If so, then we are the place for you, except you might hate how nice of a company we have – filled with happy, generally competent people that don’t put up with jerks. Frankly, it makes me sick how nice everyone is.
We are remote full time, have very flexible hours, people are judged by their output, not by how much they suck up to the boss, and turnover is super low because the company believes that happy employees=happy customers=happy bank account. Simply disgusting, if you ask me.
–Is this a real job ad?–
Yup! Amazingly enough, we actually paid money to post this on a bunch of different job sites. And it’s not even a pyramid scheme! Plus, get this: the owner just started paying our 60ish employees with money instead of Pizza Hut coupons – we’re big time, people.
Our careers page is actually worth checking out to learn more about how insane we are (sidenote: it won a web design award in 1993 – we’re a pretty big deal):
And check out our reviews on Google, Glassdoor, or Indeed to see that it’s not just the founder’s mother who says we’re cool.
–What do you guys do?–
We do a lot of different things these days including selling awesome consumer products (these are just a small sampling):
– Bad Parking Cards (https://amz.run/5Eya)
– Beverage Barricades (https://amz.run/6kip)
– Child Chucker (https://amz.run/9EUz)
Running this Amazon Pay-Per-Click agency: PPCFarm.com (we’re really, really good at PPC)
And we will soon be launching a SaaS product for inventory management.
We are doing our best to grow rapidly every year, and it’s our intention to continue that for as long as possible, which means we need good people to help us keep up with the growth.
–What is your company like?–
1. You Can Be Yourself. You don’t have to put on a fake, professional face. You can just be yourself. You can talk smack to the CEO (highly encouraged), and no one

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will think anything of it. You don’t have to dress up, or use formal language, or pretend to be something you’re not – you can just be you.
2. Major Opportunities for Career Growth. We are not trying to just be a small business. We plan to be doing $100 million annually in the next few years. We promote quickly once we identify talent. It doesn’t matter what your credentials are – it matters what you get done.
3. Full Time Remote/Flexible Hours. You will be working from home in your pajamas, on your schedule. And we don’t care if you work 10 hour days 4 days a week or 6 hours a day and catch up over the weekend. So long as you get a lot of work done, we’re happy campers.
4. Complete Work/Life Balance. If you’re routinely working more than 45ish hours, you’re gonna get a friendly talking-to. We want you to be operating at 100% capacity, which means that you need to rest.
5. Strongly Anti-BS. Anybody in the company can (and is expected to) tell the CEO when he is wrong. There are no bureaucratic or BS rules getting in the way of getting work done.
6. No Micro-Management. Once you’re trained and have demonstrated you know your stuff, we are pretty hands-off. In fact, if you need external management to stay on-task and motivated, we probably aren’t the place for you.
7. No Toxic/Incompetent People Allowed. We try very hard to screen out mean or stupid people before they get in, but in case they slip through, we fire them quickly. You will never have to interact with someone who is an obvious idiot or straight up malicious. No toxic or incompetent people at work – could it really be? [Yes]
8. Supportive Environment. We don’t operate via intense stress or unreasonable top-down deadlines. Everyone wants you to be successful – internal politics are at a minimum here.
9. Lots of Raises. We do our absolute best to get ahead of things and give raises preemptively, so you don’t have to ask for one. It’s not unusual at all for someone to receive 2+ raises per year.
10. We’ll Invest in Your Training. We want you and everyone to get better constantly. You’ll be learning new things all the time, and are strongly encouraged to invest time every day to learn new things, improve your system/work process, and just generally try to make your life easier.
11. 4-6+ Weeks Vacation. We 100% want you to recharge, so having plenty of time off is absolutely worth it.
12. Paid Maternity/Paternity Leave. We’ve even started letting people skip meetings during labor!
13. Self-Funded So We Can Do What’s Right for Us. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves, so we can make the right decision for the long-term health of the company vs trying to get big too fast or cut corners to appease some selfish investor.
-OK, so I’ve read like 45 dang pages about you guys. Will you tell me what the actual job is?–
No.
–Wait… What?–
OK fine.Super short version:
Making us more money by growing our Search Engine Optimization operation (which is just managed on auto-pilot at the moment).
We have reasonable on-page SEO on one of our sites and a reasonable content production system, but we have no backlink strategy, the above items could definitely be improved, and we aren’t doing any SEO for any of our other sites.
Basically, there is A LOT of opportunity to improve traffic via SEO
Here is a bulleted list of responsibilities:
– Learn everything we have to teach you about SEO
– Learn way more by exploring things online (we’ll pay for courses/coaching)
– Deploy what you learn
– Figure out how to systematize and automate much of your actions so we can roll out strategies across all of our branded sites
Like everyone else in the company, you will also need to innovate regularly – which means figuring out ways to improve quality and production speed.
It is challenging, but fun work that’s going to require a lot of time and task management, problem-solving, and a reasonable amount of people skills.
–Do I need experience?–
We expect you to have a minimum of 70 years of experience (120+ preferred).
Oh, you haven’t lived two lifetimes eating and breathing business 24/7/365? Who TF do you think you are, reading this job description? You absolute buffoon.
Oh, you haven’t been directly involved in at least two (preferably three) World Wars? You’re not even qualified to operate our coffee machine, you sentient potato.
Oh, you didn’t observe the Big Bang as it happened? Get out of here, you pirated copy of Windows 95.
I might literally throw up from your insolence. The hubris to think that you, you absolute fool, could apply for an apprentice position – absolutely sickening.
Also, no you don’t need any experience.
We want special people, and don’t give AF what their background is. Most of our best people did nothing remotely related to their current roles, so if you’ve never done anything like this before, don’t sweat it. We hire 100x more for potential than existing knowledge.
The Big Bang requirement still stands though.
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